I'm sorry can i cry now?

I told my cousin that i'm dating leo today, he thinks that she's going to tell my aunt and make it so that leo can't see his best freind. he thinks i betrayed him. I wanna cry. In fact i have cried.

It's just she worked so hard to make sure i could trust her. Not doing so at this point would hurt her so bad when we do eventually tell everyone. She didn't do anything to deserve thinking that her cousin (me)doesn't trust her as much as she trusts me. Family is first you know? Boyfreinds always end up with me crying in a corner, my little girl has never done that to me. I wanna hug....

He's going to read this eventually, and i don't even really know how he'll react. I just know it's keeping me up that he's mad at me even though he says he isn't.

He normally texts me all day everyday. Today he just stopped. After telling me it was fine he stopped talking to me. with no warning he always tells me if his phone is about to die, or if he's turning it off. But this time he didn't.

I can't regret making the choice my life has conditioned me to make. (If my mother had put family first like she was supposed to i wouldn't hurt so much so often) How can i regret making sure the little girl who is everything i wish i could be isn't in that kind of pain? I remember being someone no one around me could trust when i was little and trusted my mother. It hurt, every day in and out it hurt. I refuse to do that to her.

fierce and kind
gentle and protective

my dearling, my darling

warmth and safety live in your touch

your my rock in all of lives storms
my shelter when i am weak

It seems to me that fate has given me a jewel
a treasure and as a treasure i shall treat you
in the hopes that you'll stay

you treat me like some breakable thing
something to be handled with care

I'm sturdy and hard to break
skin like leather, and a backbone as strong as diamond

I won't shatter, i could never afford to
but will you it's safe

thank you for being my balance baby

Why me? dedicated to my leo

Calm and collected
A mystery so dear to me

I know why i need you

But why me?

I am not so beautiful as to entrance you
not smart enough to baffle you

Your mature, collected
yet you plan less than me

free with gifts
stingy with trust

again and again i find myself asking

Why me?

Who am i to be so special?
To mean so much to you?

I know I am special to you
I lend you comfort, joy

Your always trying to make me happy
I know my insecurity makes it hard

But what makes me so so special?
Why am i so dear?
I'm a crazy mean spirited witch
not the sweetheart you name me

Will one day you realize this?
Leave me because of things i never hid?

abandon me for the hard parts of my nature
for the things that make me strong?

I'm half panicked at the thought

I depend on your calm
My rock in the unending storm that is my life

shelter from the doubts that plague me
a safe harbor in a stormy sea

But why me?
why save me?
why protect me?
why choose me?

I'm no princess
I am my own knight
I'm not delicate
I'm moody and violent

Why me?
Why not some strawberry blonde beauty?
That won't punch, kick, or bite
Someone that your mother would approve of
Someone you can tell your best friend about

Why me?

My very first date!!

I'm 18 and tonight was my very first date.... I'm aware I'm rather old for this to be true but well.... it is.

Leo took me to Olive garden and spent like $70, which is CRAZY.  He also acted like i am completely incapable of doing anything but lifting the food to my mouth. He got a like 10 dollar app and proceeded to put it on my plate XD and when the salad came he picked through it so that i got nothing i didn't want to eat. (i'm rather picky with salad so that is difficult) He then encouraged me to get one of the more expensive items on the menu...... telling me to 'get whatever you want baby' i felt like a damn princesses.

I'm more used to being Cinderella in pre-ball mode so  i felt like i was on a cloud. He let me try to stuff my food down his face to which was sweet :)  so I'm happily munching and snatching bits off his plate and he starts with the compliments. Beautiful, sexy, amazing. He slips them all in i swear to god someone may have just wished him up off a a damnned genie.

My ass is stuffed like a woodtick and he starts talking about DESSERT, I'm female i love dessert but i'm so full I could puke.

He says he'll get it to-go and GET MY GRANDMOTHER one to. I love my grandmother to death. If you can charm her i love you it's that simple. spoiling my g-ma is a way to win my heart. thinking of her? EXTRA BROWNIE POINTS.     babe i know your reading this so i'll tell ya cause i can't in person and you're sworn to secrecy about mah blog THAT WAS SO CUTE I WANTED TO RAPE YOU.

So he gets me this to die for cake any mah g-ma this 3 cup dessert thing which he also got his mom one of...... which i find cute.... have to adore a guy that takes care of his momma. To quote tah g-ma is a man has a good relationship with his mother he'll be a great husband. ... or in this case boyfriend.... so MORE BROWNIE POINTS.

then he decides we are going to a movie.... i hate crowds so i do not start out with joy at this thought.

He however gets me into an R rated movie i technically shouldn't have gotten to see... and then drops me in the empty theater to avoid crowds and gets the drink by himself.

He dang near growls at every guy that looks at me on the whole date which made me feel loved....

i spent the movie curled under his arm and happy. When we got home he helped me get my uncomfortable nice cloths off and kissed the lines from the bra and said sorry for the ones from the boots..... which is way to sweet.... (even more brownie points) then cuddled me for about an hour then helped me into comfy cloths told me i'm pretty and left :p

DANG I CAUGHT A FINE FISH

MMMMM mah ginger

I gave a guy i know this blogg address lets see if he ids me XD

I am really to old for this shit, but damn it's fun

Leo snuck into the house tonight (i live with my grandmother, yes i relize this is rather odd.) admittedly through the front door. It was awesome the dog barked at him and still got in no hassle. To have amzing sex.

I swear someone spiked his damn drink 0.0 He was all 100 orgasms? screw that I AIM HIGHER 0.0 I lost count at like 50some O's and that's not separating out the 'chain- orgasms' when i have like 3 or 4 with no space in the middle. Is all jesus christ in heaven. 0.0

It's great overall, *purr* though i would rather be able to let him stay the night so i can sleep

A little slice of my life

I am now dating Leo!!!! yay! his dick ish all curved *purr* it makes missionary mah freind cause he hits right across my g-spot with every stroke. *sigh with joy* not to meantion he has some unreal staying power. I very often can't walk after he's done *purr* to many endophins ya know it's like being on a really strong pain killer, but better. And with no bad side effects except a slight head rush and problem with muscle control.

However my aunt and her husband (who is Leo's best freind) are against me dating him as is his(leo's) mom. So they don't know which seems like a disaster waiting to happen to me.

I am also afraid of his mother.

He's also quite determined to spoil me till my heart rots out. He wants to take me to olive garden and spend a weekend in a hotel. Both are extravagant, and He says you MAY have to choose. . . . . . Like if he did both i woldn't drop dead from pure spoiled rottenness. I'm going to turn into a walking cavity the way he treats me.

I get sick "aw baby i sowwie i come feed and cuddle the you?" not to meantion he's spending all of tommorrow watching me moan about my ovaries (i have a cyst that needs to pop(google it)) And keeps trying to get me things. If i meation something i want is all MAGICAL APPEAR. I was like i wants something that smells like him. magical stuffed leopard. anyway yes i haz awesome boyfreind my life is all centered again.

I wonder if this ending will be less painful?

How to have a better orgasm for women!!

So you and sex are all buddy buddy after my last post right? Except your only having puny orgasms and your all ETERNITY whyz i haz no awesomez orgasm?? Well here is why most women don't know where their three points that produce orgasm are, how to stimulate them, and have weak pelvic floors.

I cure problem.
First let me name the three points you can orgasm from your clit, your g-spot, and if your lucky your cervix.

Second let me tell you that unless you kegel it doesn't matter how long your significant other studies this article, your not going to orgasm easily.  Your pelvic floor has to be strong to get a good strong orgasm, to strengthen your pelvic floor tighten the muscles you use to stop yourself from peeing count to 30 unclench count to 30 clentch, repeat. Do it often, and your muscles will stay strong.

HERE IS A DIAGRAM TO SHOW YOU YOUR CLIT WHICH IS THE EASIEST WAY TO ACHIEVE ORGASM.


Ok as my .... lovely? Picture shows us that the clitoris (clit in slang because i'm lazy) is right above the opening to your vagina.  if your guy( or girl) is looking at it he/she should look above the hole you pee out of which as the diagram shows is not your vagina. (i feel the need to say this because 50% of American women think they pee out of their vagina) It is labeled as your Urethral Openning.

Your clit is covered by a hood to defend it from abrasion and other things of that (painful) nature. The easiest way to stimulate the clit is to fold the hood back with one finger and just flick or rub it. It's fairly simple. However, be careful your clit has as many nerve endings as the head of a mans penis, so like a man does not want you to harm his penis' head you DO NOT WANT someone who is to ROUGH touching your clit because it will HURT.

Experiment with circling around the clit, direct stimulation, and toys, (preferably ones that vibrate). The clit also gets no stimulation from most positions so it has to be stimulated manually. 



NEXT, your g-spot (grafenburg spot for long) which is inside the Vagina and therefore demands another diagram.  *sigh* (maybe i should label my diagrams?)


Your g-spot is about the size of a pea when your not aroused. Pretty hard to find right?  Well when you become aroused blood floods your nether regions causing your g-spot to expand to the size of a walnut. It's about 3cm inside the vagina on the side toward the stomach.  To find it search for a ridged spot on the wall of the vagina.

After you've located the g-spot crook your finger slightly in a 'come here' motion. It'll just tickle her pink, in more ways than one. Once you've found and know how much pressure your girl likes on her g-spot try hitting it with that head of a penis or a dildo. The best angle for this i have found is actually from spooning where you lie behind your significant other and enter her vagina from behind. It usually makes the penis/dildo hit right against the g-spot.

I am warning you a g-spot orgasm takes about 10 minutes to achieve.

Your cervix was of course not shown in the last diagram..... (my daigrams don't like me very well)


As a warning: cervical orgasm is impossible for some women and painful to even try for others.

However, If she wants to give it a shot go ahead. The cervix is at the end of the vagina and acheives orgasm from a firm "bump" against it. Doggie style works best for this. It's a straight downward angle that makes a man/dildo feel larger and longer as well as guides the appendage/ toy in question straight to the cervix.

Lets talk about why women should have more sex :3

Sex is a magical cure for many things belly fat ,cramps, immune system boost, lowering blood pressure, and slowing ageing. It helps women that want to get pregnant, get pregnant and plenty of other things i'm just not going into. I'll tell you how a good round of sex is good for each thing XD.

Belly fat is not my freind i will tell you that, I hate it. My weapon against all fat is of course sex. Why of course? It's the most effective belly fat fighter out there, Because no matter what position you use as a women you are burning belly fat. It also releases DHEA which is linked to weight loss. And for every half hour of vanilla simple sex burns about 85 caloires, now imagine how much some really good sex would burn. Not to meantion orgasm realeases lots of stress reducing chemicals, and less stress leads to less fat retained in the first place.

Now for cramps now because I know everyone wants to argue with having sex on a chicks period here a a link by a doctor saying sex is an awesome painkiller. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2695705/scientifically_proven_sex_is_a_great.html . 

Orgasm releases two natrual pain killers endorphins and Oxytocin, both of which i'll personally tell you turn your spine to jelly. ( techanacailly they just put a pain block in your spine but jelly sounds better)  Between these two chemicals you couldn't feel it if someone slapped you (if you had a good orgasm not a puny one) much less a cramp. What the article doesn't tell you however is that a muslce relaxer is also released and that is what is such a great thing for cramps which are cause by tensing muscles. ( http://books.google.com/ to prove i'm not crazy) Basically an orgasm makes it so you can't feel pain below your waist and relaxes your muscles.

Having sex frequantly boosts IgA, which fights the common cold and infection. It also lowers your blood pressure and risk of heart attack though doctors aren't quite sure why.  (info from http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/10-surprising-health-benefits-of-sex if you wanna check)

Sex also slows ageing, it does so by producing our old freind the hormone DHEA. This hormone is assocasted with muscle strength as well as weight loss,  and we produce less of it as we age. In a study done in scotland done on 3,500 people the poeple who had more sex didn't age as quickly.

My conclusion? HAVE A BUNCH OF SEX STAY YOUNG AND HEALTHY!!!!

lil update

well i've decided i'm batshit crazy, My life is going pretty well, i'm bedding down on the couch with leo most of the time, which btw i'm now halfway in a relationship with him, clam he is.

The thing is my mother is still texting me, calling me, and anything else she can. Calling me a slut, a bitch and other fun things. She tried to string fluffy up by his balls for no reason. And keeps screaming at people. she keeps calling my aunt a bitch to, *sigh* i jus dunno if this is worth it peoples.... what do you think? change my number, get a new e-mail and basicaly make her leave me alone until i figure out why i'm so creaky??

*sigh*

A broken doll
 in a new playroom
is still a broken doll

I'm happier now
I'm safe now

Yet i still have these
waking nightmares
truths gone wrong

I've seen i know that nothing is sacroscant
no one is safe to trust
If mommy doesn't love you
and daddy isn't there
You find, the world is very cruel

nightmares aren't things in dreams
but reality, softened
I have never dreamed
never heard, never seen
anything more twisted than reality

where mothers let their children be raped
where a father sits on the sidelines

a horror movie?
oh no it's life in all it's glory
and the victim is some faceless child
for what adult doesn't tell the little one
"go and play mommy is busy"
what parent doesn't need some down time?

these oh so natrual reactions
they turn to things that ruin lives

And now i'm single

is not fun, i cried. but i'll live